It will come as a surprise to no one that I’ve sat on my arse a lot over the last two weeks.
It will come as even less of a surprise that this arse-sitting has mostly been in front of the TV.
This has allowed me to watch a lot of things I’d circled in the TV guide.
It also allowed me to watch a lot of the crap in between these things, commonly known as ads.
And I’ve noticed something: ads aren’t even trying to disguise the absolute twaddle they’re talking any more – they’re talking b*ll*cks with brazen assurance.
Want to know what I mean?
How about an old favourite; ‘Brush like a pro’ – Oral-B
Have you ever considered yourself unprofessional in your approach to tooth brushing?
Have you ever thought; ‘that’d never do if I were in a competition?’
Who is a tooth-brushing pro? A dentist?
Who came up with this utter shite that could only ever feature in an ad?
Or how about ‘more than Italian’ – Lavazza.
What the **** does that mean? How can you be ‘more than Italian?’
What’s more than Italian: Spanish? Peruvian?
It means absolutely nothing.
It irritates the **** out of me.
Then there’s Regina kitchen roll.
Apparently, they make ‘paper for people’.
I’d be interested to know who/what else they make paper for:
badgers? Antelope? Sea turtles?
It’s as basic as a strapline gets. They may as well have run with; ‘wipe stuff up with it’.
How about this for pure twaddle, from Audi; ‘Future is an attitude’.
Future is what? Future is the few seconds in front of you.
Future is an abstract noun – it cannot be an ‘attitude’ any more than a fence plank can.
I can imagine the moment when this line was chosen. It was one of many put forward by the creative team, but one they hoped didn’t get chosen. It did. And now ‘future is an attitude’ is out there, masquerading as a deep insight, while being utter bullshit.
And what’s this crap, by Arla Cravendale?
‘It’s not milk’ repeated over and over again, followed by
‘it’s fresh milk’… which would make it milk.
What is the point in this?
People aren’t thick. Whether it’s fresh, filtered, or passed through the digestive tract of an otter, if it came from a cow’s teat, it’s milk.
To spend 30 seconds claiming it’s anything but is just daft.
And finally (in fairness, Oral-B have taken a bit of a pasting in this post), there’s this ad wank.
For some reason, they’ve taken their lead from the iPhone/Samsung rivalry and tried to create a toothbrush ad out of it… except toothbrushes aren’t sexy. Not even a bit.
Right, that’ll do for now. For the first time in over two weeks, I’m going to get up off my arse and go for a walk. I may even say hello to the horses I see along the way. Enjoy the misery of this post.